Zombie Jesus Day

I'm not one for blasphemy... but that's funny. =)

I spent the night at Nikki and Megan's last night.. and there is so much drama going on with Jason it's not funny. I was hoping that when him and I stopped being friends that everything would calm down and his girlfriend would back off, but it's gotten worse. And he's taking it because he "LOOOOVES HER". He sounds like one of those stupid abused females on Maury who stay with their husbands because they love them, even though they ran over them with the car. Really.

Outside of that they seem to be doing quite well. Nikki is going to ACU this fall, which means I'll be visiting her a lot. I can't live without my Nikki. I'll miss my SEESTER too much.

Spending time with my dad today. It's more like.. I'm writing and watching Last Boyscout while he cooks and we are the only ones here at the moment. Exciting stuff that =)

Promise to Forgive

:So I definitely wrote this as lyrics, not a poem:

I've always been in love affairs
That were picture-in-picture
So forgive me if being on the big screen is something new
But I promise I'll fill the screen with love songs and melodies
That will take your breath away
I promise you today...

You won't regret the ticket it took to hold me close to you
And I'll cover your heart if only for a moment or two
But forgive me if I'm clumsy or say the wrong things
Cause the right ones always got me hurt,
so I'm used to holding in feelings
But I'm tired of being guarded
So I'm just gonna leap
No matter how steep, the fall...

I've always been the one to kiss,
the one to touch, to hold, to love the most
I've never had a love returned,
and that's what has hurt me the most
I've been waiting for a love to love me unconditionally
I have so much love to give
That's part of what makes me, me

So forgive me if I clothe myself in false security
And if I don't know how to reach for your hand
I hope you'll understand
That I'm scared you'll burn me
And I already have so many scars
I'm trying to hide

But I promise you the truth to every question that you ask me
And I swear to you that I'll never wear my mask again
I'm so used to being everyone elses version of me
But you pull out someone that I used to be
I'm scared you won't like what you see
The real me

Forgive me for the worries that dance inside of my head
For the imperfections or anything that
Might make you see red
And I hope you'll learn to love me when blue skies turn gray
And learn to love me more with each passing day
Cause I promise I will too
Hear the truth in what I say

And forgive me for everything I'm not
But I'll promise you everything that I am
I just hope you understand

I want a little quickie, you want a little quickie, I'll give a little quickie, dang I'm such a ho.

I'm sitting with Megan. She has decided I should blog about how sexy she is.
While this is true, she is:

1) 15, and that's pedophil-ic.

AND:

2) Female

Both I don't find SEXY. Sorry. But I will write about how annoying it is to have her read this over my shoulder. Verbatim. OUTLOUD. And she is correcting my grammar, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE SPELL CHECK red underlining EVERYTHING. Because I need it. Because I type faster than my brain works. Factoid.

Megan for some reason thinks all Midgets create chocolate from tree houses. I do not own a tree, nor a house... but I do make delicious treats. Just don't ask where the chocolate comes from. I do change diapers for a living.

(Megan giggled)
(So did Nikki)

Nikki says she more CHUCKLED, than GIGGLED. My BAD!

/End

"There was an awkward pause, and something that should’ve began, Just passed us by." -Ted Leo

So I had a post all written on Saturday that I was going to finish writing yesterday and now that post is utterly pointless so I'm going to rant to you now about annoying girls. This is a rant I've been needing to get out. If you are a girl, you may get offended and if you get offended reading this then I'm pretty sure it's because you ARE an annoying girl, sorry about your bad luck. So here are my top reasons for hating girls:

1. They take three hours to get ready. Seriously. I can get up, take a shower, blow dry AND straighten my hair, do makeup and get dressed in one hour. If I can do all that, why does it take you THREE HOURS to put on makeup and pick out a dress? Annoying.

2. PDA. I understand you love your boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever. But really. Let him come up for air. Same goes for guys. I don't wanna see you making out in front of me while I wait in line for a movie, concert, comedy show or a HAPPY MEAL. Hold hands. Hug. Give little kisses. GREAT. Do not grope or start having sex in line. No one wants to see it and I promise you, not matter how dark it is, someone is wanting to vomit looking at you. Thanks.

3. CRAZY jealous girls. Really? Are you so insecure that you would really be upset with your guy for having friends that are girls? BUT you can have 9 million guy friends? Oh, but that's "different". No. It isn't. Let the boy have his gal pals. Some guys need chick friends. Some guys get along better with them. If he wanted to be with HER, then he either would have tried... or they already have. Either way it didn't work out, stop WHINING about it.

4. OBSESSIVE GIRLS. Do you really need to know why it took him an hour to answer your text when normally it only takes 2-5 minutes depending on if he had to take a crap first? He didn't call you after work like you like him to so you CALL and TEXT a hundred times until he picks up the phone and then YOU'RE angry he's upset at you? Stop being crazy. Weirdo.

5. CRAZY EXES. Okay. I understand it was the best month and a half of your life and you two were engaged... but stop driving past his house. Stop stalking him on FB and PLEASE for the love of all which is HOLY don't text him, call him, email him, carrier pigeon, or smoke signal him. It's called a break up because it's BROKEN. Cry all you need.. Call your girlfriends. You have half the time the relationship lasts to grieve. Then we don't care anymore. And honestly, your girlfriends stop caring MUCH sooner, we just understand and listen. After month one we wanted you to shut up. But we still love you. He doesn't want to hear about the dream you had and if he knew half the crap you DID.. he would get a restraining order. Truth.

"Down again -- it seems a losing fight Yet, down again, I sit, to try to write" -Ted Leo

I was trying to think of something to blog about, and I was reading through my journal and found amazing haiku's, poems and short thoughts that perfectly piece together my life of the past few months, like:


"Dear self, door numbers one and two sucked. Next time take cash option."


"Reminder to self, don't trust ANYONE.
Living in matrix type world.
Take the pill that allows you to eat steak."


"Haiku:
I dated a boy
He sucked worse than your mother
Damn it all to hell"


"A stranger in her own world
Colors mix and sway
Finger painted smiles drip
And swiftly change to grey

Dip your hand in ink
And leave your mark upon the day
Don't worry what the others think
What they see in you, or say

Close your eyes and paint the image
That so boldly clouds your view
They see only whats been painted
But not what resides in you"


"Painted something amazing. Describe it? Puddle of oozy mess.
But it has my hand print on it and that makes it kindergarten greatness."


"Funny how life goes full circle and whats past finds you again.."


"I ate word soup today... oddly it tasted like chicken..."


"Well, sometimes you know whats going on. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes what you think you want is exactly what you really DON'T want but don't know it. And sometimes amazing things are coming to you and you need to be patient and wait. Sometimes life's a roller coaster that doesn't seem to ever stop. Sometimes it's a sailboat with out any wind standing perfectly still. But all bad ends. Good things arise. And happiness finds you. And sometimes you are so amazed at what life gives you, you cant even express yourself. Sometimes."

Is amazed at amazing things

I love moving. Honestly. It has to be one of my favorite things. I LOOOOVE changing. I love big changes, little changes, hard changes, easy changes. I love it.
I love moving to new places and starting over. I may hate when relationships end, but I love the stronger I get through each situation. I love changing jobs, even though it sucks being the new guy. I love proving myself and working hard. I love that each day is a new day to change who you are. I love big changes as well as small ones. Changing my hair color, my room arrangement, my facebook statuses. I love change.

What I don't like.. is the moment right before the change. The worry, stress, fear. I love when it's happening and after it happens. But I hate the still before. My mom and I are moving out of our house soon. We have 30 days. It sucks. But there it is. And I'm excited, even through the stress. A new start. A new place. I have an amazing job, a new life I'm starting, I'm a new me and now a new place.

I really don't know if or where this is going anywhere. I just had to say it. Sigh.

Life is really great right now.

Christmas is going to be amazing this year. I have amazing friends and an amazing family. I'm so thankful. I sound like a hallmark card.

-Leslie-

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”

There are a few things about people that get under my skin:

1. Those who refuse to take responsibility for their screw ups

2. Those who blame their screw ups on others

3. Those who lie and fain ignorance so they won't have to take responsibility for something

I say this because all THREE are dwelling inside of a woman I work with. She is the LEAD in the Infant 2 class and it's pissing me off because I have to work with her. I have been blamed by her for more things than I care to talk about. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, if I screw up I'm sorry and I'll try to do better. There is no need to blame someone else.

*Today, two kids had scratched necks and she had no clue how they got there. She was alone with the kids all morning, if anyone knows, SHE DOES.

*I opened the cabinet to get food ready for a child and GNATS flew everywhere. I knew there was something gross up in there. And there shouldn't be. There should be NO FOOD that isn't bagged or in a jar up there. NOTHING. So I get up on a step ladder (cause I'm too short to reach the top shelf, shush..) and I take the bag of cereal out.. and I see it... in the corner of the top shelf is a freaking BANANA. A black banana. A black... Maggot infested... banana. What. The. Hell.
So I take it out... put it in a ziplock bag to show the office and pull EVERYTHING out of the cabinets and start cleaning. My boss was PISSED to say the least. Stephanie and I BOTH left exciting and bitchy notes to her and when she called to let us know she wasn't coming back this afternoon we both went off on her.

*The I was asked to stay in infants and clean up her kitchen and make sure everything was labeled. I was in there for 2 1/2 hours doing it. LAME.

*She also has this problem with not labeling things.. like sippy cups. Each child has one. Each one has a lid. The lids are NEVER put back on them so if the lids are off and not labeled and the cups aren't labeled how are you supposed to know which part goes to which cup that goes to which CHILD. It's a pet peeve of mine. A big one. LABEL THEIR BOTTLES AND SIPPY CUPS. It's against licensing to not do so. She could get fired or written up and I would go down with her.

I'm tired of picking up her slack. I have to clean her class, and I'm not even in there anymore. I have to clean up HER rotten banana. I have to label HER sippy cups, bottles, jar food, diapers and wipes because she doesn't. When I was in there I did the bulletin boards, art projects.... -sigh-

Okay. Officially ranted. Go me.

"What we do comes out of who we believe we are." -Rob Bell

My name is Leslie, and I:

*Am full of fears that not even I understand. I am creative but not talented, and that breaks my heart because above all else I want to be able to create things. I get mad easily, but I also get over it very fast. I'm extremely forgiving and don't hold grudges after, either forgive and forget or don't forgive. I've only had three boyfriends and all three have been long term relationships, I don't play around when it comes to love. I've never cheated on someone, but have been cheated on. I was hit by a guy I 'dated' when I was a teen and it's caused me to be very guarded, I don't trust people very easily but once gained it's hard to lose. Because I've been cheated on so much I wonder if I'm enough to make a man happy or if I'm doomed to always fall short. I'm self concious and have been anorexia in the past, and I'm scared to death I'll end up back in that place. I love romantic guys when it's how they are, I hate when people pretend to be something they aren't. My favorite things in life are silly... the feeling of the cold water as I swim, the smell of rain after a big storm. I like to travel and go on road trips because I'm away from everyone and everything and I'm completely free to be whoever I want without limitations and I don't feel that when I'm living my normal life. I want to get married and have children and I have no fear of taking that step, I fear more marrying someone who is doing it because its what your supposed to do. I don't think I can have kids of my own, but am very thankful God gave me a heart that wants to adopt. I want to change the world and make a difference, I would leave for Africa tomorrow if I had the chance to work there. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I love change in my life, but fear what it will bring. I'm trusting of God's plan but always seem to think mines better. I'm a "good girl" who finds it annoying that that is a bad thing nowadays. I hate writting blogs about myself because I feel like it makes me seem full of myself, which is weird because that's what a blog is. I have an amazing relationship with God and want to make it even stronger. I want to be a better person, do better things and be in a better place. I want my life to be a fairy tale even though it's cliche. I'm obnoxious and loud when I want to be or extremely shy and reserved when I don't. I'm a lover of people and get along with everyone, but once you hurt me and lose my trust it takes a long time to earn back. I'm searching for a man I can spend my life with, I don't sleep around or date a lot. I hate clingy and jealous guys, they drive me crazy. I've never been with someone who actually seemed to care about me, so I tend to not expect much when I am dating someone..

Uhm.. I'm out of things to say. I hate writing about me....

"By your inflection, I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but...no."

Fall Festival.

On Friday we will:

Make decorations. Hang sheets from the walls to cover the posters and curriculum. Hang decorations on the sheets. Move centers to hidden locations to transform the classrooms into Egypt, A pirate ship, A haunted house, A sports room and an autopsy room.


Saturday we will:

Show up are work at 330. Finish putting up decorations and be dressed and prettyful in our costumes. Work the festival for two hours or whatever.. and then after... tear EVERYTHING DOWN AND CLEAN AND PUT EVERYTHING BACK............. which means I work late Friday and Saturday... all for two hours of fun that I won't be having. Seriously. Who thought this up?
I love my job. Really I do. But I really only have Sunday off this week. So I will have worked 11 days straight with one day off as of next Friday. I BETTER get some awesome overtime for this.
There people better be glad I love kids.



Also, a little rant on parenting. Don't suck at it. Okay?
Seriously. I know parents who stress out over having one three year old for four hours in the evening and freak out over what they will do with them... I have your kid... plus 14 others in my class for TEN hours a day.. by myself. If you can't get your kid to pick up his sippy cup off the floor when you leave... but I can get all 15 to clean up after centers and sit on the carpet QUIETLY for 30 minutes while I read stories, its you. Not them. Don't yell at your children. Don't beat them. Stop sucking at life you are only screwing up things worse. Be better at your job. And to those parents that rock. Thank you. I'm assigning you a buddy and you will teach them all you know. Thanks.

Better late than never!

I've noticed I haven't written in like... three months. Probably because there has been nothing to write about. I do lead a rather boring life and nothing really ever happens...

Caitlyn and I went on our amazing trip to Houston/Galveston and saw Greenday in concert... completing number 16 on my bucket list. Go. Me.

Jason and I don't speak anymore and neither does him and his family. It's for the best right now. He really needs to get his life in order and I really don't need him IN my life. So that's a plus.

Things at work are great. I'm officially in the 3's class now, so I'm back working with my old age group which is fantastic.

/end

"Do the Mario! Swing your arms from side to side. Come on, it's time to go. Do the Mario!"

I'm spending the evening at my exes house watching movies and being stupid. It's pretty much amazing. I'm writing about Megan and she doesn't know. I'm waiting for her to read over my shoulder and giggle... wait for it... wait for it... wait for it... realization has hit. And she hit me. I win.


We are watching the old school Mario Bros animated cartoons... it's crazy how much I used to LOVE this show. It's awful. It has been ruined for me for forever. I shouldn't have watched it again. lol.

Jason is playing WOW. Is there surprise in that? I think not :eyeroll:

I'm trying really hard to let things not worry or stress me out and take things in stride. I'm trying very hard to be a Mary and not have Martha Syndrome. Why is waiting so hard for me? I'm normally a very patient person, but as I'm growing in Christ I find I want more and more instant gratification. I want everything to happen now. I don't want to wait, my timing is best because my timing is NOW. I hate that about me. Mental note to work on that...

Jason just screamed something about an eggplant dolphin. He's going mad.

Megan is a funny girl. She is exactly like me when I was a teenager. She likes anime, reads manga (I read comis cause I'm awesome), kind of a tomboy but in the coolest of ways... not the creepy girl tomboys who try to be LIKE a boy. She is loud and obnoxious, and I still am. It's fantastic. I'm just glad she isn't exactly like I was.

Meow.

3 Big Choices In Your Life

"Name three big decisions you have made in your life, why you made them and why you chose to or not to follow them through"


There are so many small things in my life I chose to do or not do that have effected my life in HUGE ways.. it's really hard to narrow it down to three. But here goes...


1. Number one is easy, it's the answer I have seen everyone give and that was giving my life to Christ. I was 15 when I was saved and it was at youth convention.. thing.. called Crash in April of 2001.



2. I was in a Discipleship class when I was 17 with my youth minister. It was a very small in depth bible study with just the youth leaders in the youth group. One night we were discussing how we set examples for the middle school kids who will be coming up into the youth and the youth senior high youth who someday would want to be youth leaders.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

We made lots of commitments during the course of our classes but my biggest one was in purity. I promised myself, my God and my future husband I would stay a virgin until I get married and I have kept that promise and I plan on keeping it until my wedding day.



3. The third is my newest one... I recently visited my dad and Stephanie. It was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in a VERY long time.. but I did it. Thankfully my brother was with me and he keeps me so strong. It's the first time I have seen him since my birthday in January. And the first time I have seen Stephanie in... years. I still can't find it in me to forgive or forget.. and I'm not really sure if I ever will. But a first step is a step... right?

A Dear John.. to myself.

This last week I have been struggling a lot. Not with my walk, or with work, family or friends. But with myself. I'm annoyed at myself for being me. I've been roommates with myself for so long I think it's finally starting to get to me. I officially can't live or hang out with myself for a while. It's not going to be easy, but I think we need to take a break. It's the best for both of us.
I can't answer if we will ever be the same again.. I hope we may find common ground and someday become friends.. we were close after all. I'll be praying for us. But I'm putting God in control of it. If God says that she has to go.. then she will. It will be hard but I know it's for the best. I know I can move forward without her. She was getting annoying anyway. All the doubt, the selfishness, the fears and self hate. I just couldn't deal anymore. I know that many of you loved us together, but I promise I am still me without her. I'm still the same person, even if I'm changed. I hope you will all understand and grow with me. If you find me too different without her, you can follow her.. but I honestly pray I'm completely different and new. I pray I'm a better person. I pray for God to change me completely according to His will. I'm His to mold and shape. I'm sorry if this didn't fit into your Summer plans, but it had to happen.

Thank you for your time.

I think it's funny that I spend just as much time with Jason's family as I dd while we were dating. I'm still over there almost every weekend either hanging with his little sisters, shopping with his mom, helping his dad fix up his car or watching movies with Jason. It's like nothing has changed yet at the same time everything has changed. I'm so thankful that when we decided to break up it wasn't this HUGE argument that led to us hating each other or resenting each other for wasting the others time. It was a conversation where I spoke my mind, and he spoke his and in the end we both decided it was best for us.. and it was never awkward going from a three year relationship to being best friends because we were already best friends. His mom still calls me her daughter, even though I never really will be. His sisters still call me their sister. It's awesome to still feel so connected even after everything. I'm so thankful for it.

I hate the fact that I have to start dating. I hate dating with a passion.

You HEARD me

I think my boss needs to make me lead in my classroom. I do EVERYTHING. Shannon wanted to have a theme in her class, I said Alice in Wonderland. She loved the idea. Then I had to do EVERYTHING. I drew everything, I colored and painted it all, I laminated it, I did the name tags, I moved and re-did ALL THREE of her bulletin boards, I do art with the kids, I play with them, I keep the hour board up to date, I keep the cabinets clean and organized.. I DO IT. I do EVERYTHING. I'm the one who talks to the parents to let them know when they get bit or hurt. I'm the one who goes through everything to see if they are out of diapers or wipes or food.
Shannon writes her newsletter... and she writes her lesson plan. Both would make no difference if I were doing them as well. Pay me that extra dollar an hour and make me lead. I'm getting tired of doing two peoples jobs. It's kinda getting on my nerves.

With that rant off my chest. I'm almost done with my classroom! It looks amazing.. and I'm not just saying that because... you know.. I'm the one who decorated it. Although I did an awesome job if you don't mind me saying so. =)

Poems

So many kinds of poems
So many genres
We begin with the adolescent poem
Girl growing up and finding herself poem to the
Love at first sight poem
She sees him across the room
A moment from Shakespeare
Eyes meet
Hearts jump into a
We are in love poem
A sensual we are in lust poem
To a tender we made love poem

Then the first fight poem
Where he left his socks on the bathroom floor
And the beauty he saw in her fell as fast as
His heart fell in love
Leading into the heartbreak poem
A sad poem
A crying I miss him poem to a
I can't believe I saw him with HER poem
To an angry I know where you live poem
Then a... get me out of jail I did nothing wrong poem
The unrequited love poem

Then time moves on and poem after poem
stretches through your life as the words stretch across a piece of paper
Then you aren't the only one making poems
There are new poems
Your childrens poems
Grand kids poems
We miss you poems

Life is a beautiful thing
A grand story needing a voice
Needing to be told
Your life is your epic adventure
And it's yours to tell
Yours to mold
Yours to shape into whatever you like

So tell me
What kind of poem are you?

I said what I meant and I meant what I said

Can I just say.. that over the last two years I have been burned by two churches that I have grown to love. The first was my family and home for six years. I grew up in the youth, I was a youth leader, intern for my youth minister, Sunday school teacher, youth activities lead, youth sponsor and Trailblazer teacher. I was present every Sunday and Wednesday. I was in multiple bible studies, youth and adult classes. I sang in the choir, I volunteered my time with the church pantry and everything. My old church was very small and it was family.

At living room church today my awesome living room pastor man had us break into groups of two and answer some questions he had written for us. One of them was this:

"Share a painful moment as well as a wonderful moment in your life within the community of faith"

My good moment was what I listed above. Being a part of the body of Christ, moving, doing, loving, learning. That was my favorite part of my church.

The bad moment was when I left my church. I had been working with the youth and I was told by the new youth minister that I wasn't going to be allowed to work with the youth anymore because I lived with my boyfriend and because I was a "bad influence" on them. It didn't matter to him when I told him that I was still a virgin, and not sleeping around or doing anything that they were assuming I was. They decided after six years of me growing up there that I was not welcome to work with the kids I had been working with since they were in elementary school. It broke my heart. I wasn't allowed to go Wednesday nights anymore. I wasn't allowed to volunteer at my church. Shortly after that they took me off as a Sunday school teacher, then the pastors wife stopped calling me to volunteer, and it was less than a month later no one was talking to me anymore. I truly believe they think they did what was right, I really believe that. I think it was more HOW they took care of the situation and how I was treated AFTER that hurt me the most..

Then after a year I started going to Park Row in December and I fell in love with it and the people and we all know what happened after that.

I have friends who would tell me they were "burned by the church" and how they were hurt so bad they never wanted to go back, and I could never put myself in their shoes and understand what they meant. When I was younger, church is where I went to be with God and be with my family. There was nothing else. No comments behind your back, and if there were comments I didn't know or didn't pay any attention to it. But the last two years have REALLY put me off of church. I discussed this with my partner today and she expressed the same thing. I really feel uncomfortable with the thought of finding and joining another church because in the back of my mind I keep thinking.. if I don't do everything perfect I won't be able to be a part of them. I'm not a person who feels liek they have to please everyone, but thinking about going back to a church makes me feel like I have to be the fake church girl and I highly dislike being fake. I refuse to do it.

Living room church is amazing, with amazing people I'm not afraid to be myself around.
I know they love me for who I am and don't make me feel like I'm a bad person regardless of where I am.

In conclusion. There is no conclusion.
In the last few months not only do I have a burning anger and hatred that I am trying very hard to keep from coming out in word vomit, but it's reopened old wounds that I thought were healed and I don't like that. But I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me and I know that all of this will make me stronger... someday. Who knows, maybe this part of my life will play a huge role in who I am later down the road in a bigger way than I can ever imagine. God is amazing like that.