3 Big Choices In Your Life

"Name three big decisions you have made in your life, why you made them and why you chose to or not to follow them through"


There are so many small things in my life I chose to do or not do that have effected my life in HUGE ways.. it's really hard to narrow it down to three. But here goes...


1. Number one is easy, it's the answer I have seen everyone give and that was giving my life to Christ. I was 15 when I was saved and it was at youth convention.. thing.. called Crash in April of 2001.



2. I was in a Discipleship class when I was 17 with my youth minister. It was a very small in depth bible study with just the youth leaders in the youth group. One night we were discussing how we set examples for the middle school kids who will be coming up into the youth and the youth senior high youth who someday would want to be youth leaders.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

We made lots of commitments during the course of our classes but my biggest one was in purity. I promised myself, my God and my future husband I would stay a virgin until I get married and I have kept that promise and I plan on keeping it until my wedding day.



3. The third is my newest one... I recently visited my dad and Stephanie. It was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in a VERY long time.. but I did it. Thankfully my brother was with me and he keeps me so strong. It's the first time I have seen him since my birthday in January. And the first time I have seen Stephanie in... years. I still can't find it in me to forgive or forget.. and I'm not really sure if I ever will. But a first step is a step... right?

A Dear John.. to myself.

This last week I have been struggling a lot. Not with my walk, or with work, family or friends. But with myself. I'm annoyed at myself for being me. I've been roommates with myself for so long I think it's finally starting to get to me. I officially can't live or hang out with myself for a while. It's not going to be easy, but I think we need to take a break. It's the best for both of us.
I can't answer if we will ever be the same again.. I hope we may find common ground and someday become friends.. we were close after all. I'll be praying for us. But I'm putting God in control of it. If God says that she has to go.. then she will. It will be hard but I know it's for the best. I know I can move forward without her. She was getting annoying anyway. All the doubt, the selfishness, the fears and self hate. I just couldn't deal anymore. I know that many of you loved us together, but I promise I am still me without her. I'm still the same person, even if I'm changed. I hope you will all understand and grow with me. If you find me too different without her, you can follow her.. but I honestly pray I'm completely different and new. I pray I'm a better person. I pray for God to change me completely according to His will. I'm His to mold and shape. I'm sorry if this didn't fit into your Summer plans, but it had to happen.

Thank you for your time.

I think it's funny that I spend just as much time with Jason's family as I dd while we were dating. I'm still over there almost every weekend either hanging with his little sisters, shopping with his mom, helping his dad fix up his car or watching movies with Jason. It's like nothing has changed yet at the same time everything has changed. I'm so thankful that when we decided to break up it wasn't this HUGE argument that led to us hating each other or resenting each other for wasting the others time. It was a conversation where I spoke my mind, and he spoke his and in the end we both decided it was best for us.. and it was never awkward going from a three year relationship to being best friends because we were already best friends. His mom still calls me her daughter, even though I never really will be. His sisters still call me their sister. It's awesome to still feel so connected even after everything. I'm so thankful for it.

I hate the fact that I have to start dating. I hate dating with a passion.

You HEARD me

I think my boss needs to make me lead in my classroom. I do EVERYTHING. Shannon wanted to have a theme in her class, I said Alice in Wonderland. She loved the idea. Then I had to do EVERYTHING. I drew everything, I colored and painted it all, I laminated it, I did the name tags, I moved and re-did ALL THREE of her bulletin boards, I do art with the kids, I play with them, I keep the hour board up to date, I keep the cabinets clean and organized.. I DO IT. I do EVERYTHING. I'm the one who talks to the parents to let them know when they get bit or hurt. I'm the one who goes through everything to see if they are out of diapers or wipes or food.
Shannon writes her newsletter... and she writes her lesson plan. Both would make no difference if I were doing them as well. Pay me that extra dollar an hour and make me lead. I'm getting tired of doing two peoples jobs. It's kinda getting on my nerves.

With that rant off my chest. I'm almost done with my classroom! It looks amazing.. and I'm not just saying that because... you know.. I'm the one who decorated it. Although I did an awesome job if you don't mind me saying so. =)

Poems

So many kinds of poems
So many genres
We begin with the adolescent poem
Girl growing up and finding herself poem to the
Love at first sight poem
She sees him across the room
A moment from Shakespeare
Eyes meet
Hearts jump into a
We are in love poem
A sensual we are in lust poem
To a tender we made love poem

Then the first fight poem
Where he left his socks on the bathroom floor
And the beauty he saw in her fell as fast as
His heart fell in love
Leading into the heartbreak poem
A sad poem
A crying I miss him poem to a
I can't believe I saw him with HER poem
To an angry I know where you live poem
Then a... get me out of jail I did nothing wrong poem
The unrequited love poem

Then time moves on and poem after poem
stretches through your life as the words stretch across a piece of paper
Then you aren't the only one making poems
There are new poems
Your childrens poems
Grand kids poems
We miss you poems

Life is a beautiful thing
A grand story needing a voice
Needing to be told
Your life is your epic adventure
And it's yours to tell
Yours to mold
Yours to shape into whatever you like

So tell me
What kind of poem are you?

I said what I meant and I meant what I said

Can I just say.. that over the last two years I have been burned by two churches that I have grown to love. The first was my family and home for six years. I grew up in the youth, I was a youth leader, intern for my youth minister, Sunday school teacher, youth activities lead, youth sponsor and Trailblazer teacher. I was present every Sunday and Wednesday. I was in multiple bible studies, youth and adult classes. I sang in the choir, I volunteered my time with the church pantry and everything. My old church was very small and it was family.

At living room church today my awesome living room pastor man had us break into groups of two and answer some questions he had written for us. One of them was this:

"Share a painful moment as well as a wonderful moment in your life within the community of faith"

My good moment was what I listed above. Being a part of the body of Christ, moving, doing, loving, learning. That was my favorite part of my church.

The bad moment was when I left my church. I had been working with the youth and I was told by the new youth minister that I wasn't going to be allowed to work with the youth anymore because I lived with my boyfriend and because I was a "bad influence" on them. It didn't matter to him when I told him that I was still a virgin, and not sleeping around or doing anything that they were assuming I was. They decided after six years of me growing up there that I was not welcome to work with the kids I had been working with since they were in elementary school. It broke my heart. I wasn't allowed to go Wednesday nights anymore. I wasn't allowed to volunteer at my church. Shortly after that they took me off as a Sunday school teacher, then the pastors wife stopped calling me to volunteer, and it was less than a month later no one was talking to me anymore. I truly believe they think they did what was right, I really believe that. I think it was more HOW they took care of the situation and how I was treated AFTER that hurt me the most..

Then after a year I started going to Park Row in December and I fell in love with it and the people and we all know what happened after that.

I have friends who would tell me they were "burned by the church" and how they were hurt so bad they never wanted to go back, and I could never put myself in their shoes and understand what they meant. When I was younger, church is where I went to be with God and be with my family. There was nothing else. No comments behind your back, and if there were comments I didn't know or didn't pay any attention to it. But the last two years have REALLY put me off of church. I discussed this with my partner today and she expressed the same thing. I really feel uncomfortable with the thought of finding and joining another church because in the back of my mind I keep thinking.. if I don't do everything perfect I won't be able to be a part of them. I'm not a person who feels liek they have to please everyone, but thinking about going back to a church makes me feel like I have to be the fake church girl and I highly dislike being fake. I refuse to do it.

Living room church is amazing, with amazing people I'm not afraid to be myself around.
I know they love me for who I am and don't make me feel like I'm a bad person regardless of where I am.

In conclusion. There is no conclusion.
In the last few months not only do I have a burning anger and hatred that I am trying very hard to keep from coming out in word vomit, but it's reopened old wounds that I thought were healed and I don't like that. But I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me and I know that all of this will make me stronger... someday. Who knows, maybe this part of my life will play a huge role in who I am later down the road in a bigger way than I can ever imagine. God is amazing like that.